What is the heaviest Chinese food? Wonton.
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I’m never time traveling with my kids again!! They keep yelling from the back seat —- “Were we there already?”
I heard Matthew McConaughey can't make left turns while driving. Because he goes Alright Alright Alright.
My friend hates me She was texting me while working the night shift at a restaurant. This is how the conversation went: Girl: I hate...
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
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My son isn’t interested in watching Paddington 2... He said he could barely remember the first one.
What did one broom say to the other? Did you hear the latest dirt? The vacuum cleaner but the dust.
I ran out of wrapping paper this christmas and didn't know what to do. It's too bad I couldn't wrap my head around it...
What is the height of stupidity? How tall are you?
“Dad, I don’t know the square root of sixteen.” Son, I fourgive you.
Did you hear about the crime in the elevator? It was wrong at so many levels...
I heard Jerry Seinfeld got new glasses. He was having trouble with his observational comedy.
"Why doesn't the Queen wave with this hand?" *and do a Queen wave with a hand of your choosing*... "Because that's my hand"
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Why do cows...? Why do cows wear bells on their neck? Turns out, their horns don't work! Bwhahaha
My daughter keeps rereading The Lord of the Rings. Told her she's developing a very bad hobbit.
Today’s Opposite Day! Which means it’s not Opposite Day.
Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because their breasts are too big for B shells!
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Dad is savage Mom: Why are you still single? Me: I'm single by choice. Dad: Girl's choice
how do astronauts throw a party? They PLANET
A friend of mine confessed that he is sexually attracted to almond trees. I said, “Are you f*cking nuts?”
What did the Hawaiian say when the fake missle alert made him poop his pants? ICBM
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I know this sarcastic Baker... He makes the best wry bread.
What do you call a cow that is bullied by 3 other cows? Cornered-Beef
You can't have your cake and eat it, dad said. Worst 6th birthday party ever!